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- ▼ March (9)
Wednesday, 7 March 2012
Andrew Learmonth in David Cameron Hates Mumford & Sons: The Secrets of Comedy Revealed
It doesn't matter how much of an obnoxious p###k you are, your dog will still love you. It's unfair because we can all see you being a moron. We can see you being worthy of only hate and contempt but your dog is blind to this. He mistakes your hideousness , your obnoxiousness, your inability to wash your mug after your coffee break, your smelliness, your patheticness, for love.
And no matter how much we want to tell your dog that he deserves better and that he can get better it won't matter because he's your dog.
This is why I like dogs but hate p#####s.
It’s also why at this year's Glasgow Comedy Festival I will be performing mostly to dogs I have reared since their birth. It will not matter how awful I am because they will still love me.
You may think that I'm not going to get the intellectual appreciation that a human audience would give me but I would counter that by saying most human audiences are f#####g morons.
Again there are licensing issues: will the corrupt, dog fearing secret society who run Glasgow City Council's licensing department allow this to happen? To this argument I simply counter that if we can't perform the show in front of 37 dogs in the Old Hairdressers on Friday 30th March then we will go on to the streets. Like a true artist my art will happen wherever I have to make it happen. It also adds an element of risk because my dogs aren't very well trained and they will probably run off into the streets of Glasgow’s city centre attracted by the smell of kebab and vomit.
I suppose the main attraction of dogs is that they don’t have expectations. For example Johnny Depp’s dogs would have probably watched the Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tide and thought it okay. Thankfully we non dogs are starting to learn that expectations aren’t worth the hassle. If we have no expectations then how can we be disappointed?
If you do come to Andrew Learmonth in David Cameron Hates Mumford &Sons: The Secrets of Comedy Revealed on Friday 30th March for the best results it’s best if you have no expectations. I certainly don’t.
VENUE: Old Hairdressers
DATE: Friday 30th March
BOOKING LINK: Buy from TicketSOUP.com HERE.
BOX OFFICE: 0844 395 4005
Posted by GlasgowComedy at 12:38